centuries of fear // king of the jungle

by yagyesha roy

cover photo by julie nguyen

i was four years old

the first time i realized

that no matter what name i gave it

my favorite doll

would never look like me.

 

shelle,

i had named it.

it stared back at me

with a pale face and light hair.

 

i was four years old

the first time i prayed

to look like the other girls

with white skin and pretty eyes

 

cream,

they had called it.

the color of their skin.

i liked it.

 

i was four years old

the first time i woke up happy

from a dream in which

i had a simple,

american,

name.

 

jade,

they had called me.

it was four letters; not eight.

i was ecstatic.

 

i was four years old

the first time i noticed

that people did not actually think

my name was beautiful.

 

they said it was pretty

to cover up for the fact

that they could not pronounce it.

 

they did not want me to know

that they saw me as different.

that they saw me as a challenge.

so they tried to pacify me.

 

i was four years old

the first time i asked my mother

when my skin was going to turn

white.

 

she was outraged.

 

i was confused.

 

meri sherni,

she said

my lion.

 

i was four years old

the first time i heard from my mother

how the europeans took over the world.

 

they forced us into submission.

they made us fear them

for centuries.

 

i was four years old

the first time i was asked

why my skin was darker than everyone else’s

why it was uglier.

 

i shrugged

and said i didn’t know.

 

i was thirteen years old

the first time i asked my father

why i could be scared

of a girl with pretty blue eyes

and long blonde hair.

 

my father said

that i would be scared

of a girl

one foot taller

and one inch more muscular

whether her skin be

white

or brown

or grey

or black.

 

he told me

that it was the human mind

which conjured meanings

of color

 

he told me

that we should not be scared

of girls

one foot taller

and one inch more muscular.

 

the fierce lion

never cowered

before the mighty elephant

 

for it had canines

sharpened to kill.

 

centuries of fear // king of the jungle